Gut Feeling
by detectivekbex
Summary: Beckett and Castle have some amazing news and Castle is super excited, yet for Beckett this brings back loads of not so nice memories. They need to work together to help Kate get through this. This story is a mix between happiness and heart break.
1. Chapter 1: Gut Feelings

Kate Beckett was in such a turmoil, she was trying to be happy about her recent - and by recent I mean ten minutes ago - discovery but there seemed to be a black cloud hanging over it. She had a gut feeling that she shouldn't get too excited about it, but she couldn't put her finger on exactly what she was feeling or why she was feeling like that. She remembered back to when Castle had said he would like more kids, well he actually said that "he would like the opportunity" but that means the same thing, right? Right?

As she walked out the bathroom rubbing her hair dry with a towel before she blow dried it, she was still continuing her long hard think she started before she got in the shower. She had decided to go against her gut feeling and was going to tell Castle her - their - news before they both headed into the precinct together.

She walked over to the breakfast bar in Castle's kitchen, Alexis was at college and his mum had just gone out shopping, they were alone. Castle was standing with her coffee waiting on her coming over, he had a massive smile on his face, he always had a massive smile when he saw her.

"Hey, you," Castle said handing her her coffee as she forced a smile, she was so nervous, "You alright?" he asked analysing her beautiful face; she still took his breath away, she always would.

"Yeah, um, I need to tell you something," she said, seriously; maybe a little too seriously. The smile fell from Castle's face, as it turned to pure panic and distress.

"Are you okay? What's wrong? Are you going to bre-" Castle said quickly, a little bit too quickly, Kate could hardly understand a word he said but she knew exactly what the next question about to come out his mouth was, she quickly butted in, stopping him in his tracks.

"No, don't be daft!" She replied, seeing Castle breathe a massive sigh of relief, it made her feel happy inside knowing how much he loved her, luckily the feeling was a 100% mutual.

"So what's wrong? Are you ill?" Castle asked, every critical illness flying through his head. "Is it cancer? Oh my go-"

"NO, no! It's nothing like that! I'm pregnant!" Kate said, almost shaking with nerves, she hardly got nervous but this was way out of her comfort zone. She awaited his response but she didn't have to wait too long because as soon as she said the last word, she watched the over-sized smile appear on Castle's face, he was literally grinning from ear-to-ear.

"Are you serious? Oh my god, this is amazing, Kate, I can't believe it, oh my god" Castle gushed as he grabbed Kate and cuddled her probably hard enough to squash the baby.

"Okay, okay, you're actually squashing me," she laughed, trying to wriggle out the cuddle.

"Sorry, sorry," he said still smiling, slightly loosening his hold, he never wanted to let her go. Eventually he let her go and kissed her forehead.

"I guess you're happy then?" Kate said, grinning as much as Castle was, it hadn't sunk in for any of them that they were actually about to become parents. She stood up and kissed him, she didn't let on about her gut feeling because for now she was going to enjoy this feeling of a life her and Castle created growing inside of her. "Can we keep it a secret just until we make sure everything's okay?" Kate asked, slightly listening to her gut but also knowing how excited Castle would be to tell everyone, she had a feeling this would be a bit of a challenge.

"Yes, okay! I'm so happy," he said as he rubbed her stomach, she started laughing, he was like a little boy and it made her extremely thrilled that she was part of that happiness bubble he was in.

Suddenly Beckett's phone began to ring and she realised as soon as she answered that they would have to go to work and leave their happy little bubble. Kate looked at Castle and made an over exaggerated sad face, "Beckett?" She paused for several seconds, "yep, okay, we'll be right there." She hung up.

"Murder?" Castle said, knowing the exact answer.

"Yup, better go dry my hair. I'll be two seconds." Kate walked away, while Castle done a silly little "happy dance" in the kitchen, Kate chuckled to herself because without even turning around she knew he was doing the dance.

* * *

As soon as they arrived at work Lanie spotted something odd with Kate, "What have you done differently? You look different," she quizzed. Kate avoided the question.

"So, the body?" Kate said walking over to a middle-aged woman lying in an alley way, it began to bring back horrible memories of her mom, Castle knew this case was going to get to her in one way or another. Kate sighed a sigh of relief when she saw the body, was this the gut feeling she had? Hopefully.

On the way back to the precinct, Castle began to worry about how silent Kate had gotten, "Are you okay?" he asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine, y'know just reminds me of my mom, just with the alley and the age but she was asphyxiated, so it doesn't really feel like her all over again but it does, if you know what I mean? I just have to go tell her daughter that her mom is dead in an alley, I know I'm about to shatter her world, and what happens if someone ever has too tell-" Kate realised she was rambling when Castle jumped in.

"Stop it!" Castle said sternly, Kate just looked over at him; her happy eyes from this morning had turned to pain as she thought about her mom lying there all those years ago. "You are not going to be stabbed or asphyxiated and left to die in an alley. You're going to live until your 101 and die in bed in my arms, okay?" Kate smiled and the pain in her eyes slightly lifting and with that she nodded her head.

"I love you," Castle said, Kate's stomach got butterflies or wait, was that morning sickness?

"Pull over!" Castle pulled into the side of the road, as Kate threw the door open and spewed everywhere.

"Does me saying I love you really have THAT effect on you?" he laughed, Kate just glared at him, "oh, okay, not the time to joke." he said giggling slightly.


	2. Chapter 2: Secrets

**AN:** **Thank you for reviewing and following etc. It means a lot, this chapter isn't that long but the next one will definitely be longer. :)**

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Once Kate and Castle arrived at the morgue Lanie was already there still trying to work out what was wrong/different with Kate. "Are you okay?" she asked, trying to get as much information as possible.

"Yeah, why?" Kate replied, super-fast, feeling like she was a suspect being interrogated by herself but in the form of Lanie.

"You look different, glowy…" Lanie replied but before she could continue Kate jumped in going all professional on her.

"So what can you tell me about the body?" Kate asked trying to change the subject and getting straight to the point as quickly as possible before Lanie could interrogate her anymore. Kate knew she would end up telling Lanie before her first trimester is over, she trusted her and knew she could rely on her, the only problem was Lanie may let it slip to Esposito, who may let it slip to Ryan, who may let it... you get the picture.

"Okay, okay. 38-year-old female, Jennifer Shaw, prints were in the system because she was picked up for DUI a few years ago. She has several stab wounds to her back and neck, it looks like she was beaten before she was stabbed but these stab wounds were made post-mortem." Lanie said. Kate looked puzzled.

"So these wounds didn't kill her?" Castle asked, just as confused as Kate was.

"No, there are bruises on her stomach that look fairly fresh, BUT if you have a closer look you can see bruises that have also faded which look 2-3 weeks old. I'll need to open her up to see the mess of her insides but the way these bruises are looking it's not going to be a pretty sight. I still need to do a toxicology report which shouldn't take that long, I'll call you when I get them back." Lanie said.

"Thank you," Kate said, about to turn and walk away before Lanie stopped her.

"Are you sure there isn't anything you want to talk about?" Lanie said, sporting a cheeky smile. Kate knew she wasn't going to let this lie anytime soon.

"I'm sure," Kate said as she smiled and left. Lanie laughed ever so slightly, she knew she would crack Kate soon. Lanie had a feeling deep down she knew what was wrong with Kate but like Kate she couldn't understand what the feeling meant.

* * *

As the day progressed they grew closer to adding all the "clues" and leads together. The more the investigation was improving the worse her "gut feeling" was getting. Slowly, she began to realise why. I was nothing to do with this baby, it was her. Her underlying feelings began to build up, she was afraid this would happen. These feelings were the sort of feelings she could never and as far as was concerned never would tell anyone about. Marriage to Castle was proving that to be a bit tricky though.

"Are you okay?" Castle asked slightly more concerned than normal but that was understandable, he was still on a super excited regarding that morning's news. He was already thinking of names but thought he'd spring that on her later, he just wanted to tell the world he was having a baby with the girl of his dreams.

"Yeah, just tired, I think I need my bed." Kate said as she yawned, then forcing a smile, she hated lying to Castle but knew the minute she said anything he would look into it, like he did with her mother, but this, this she didn't think she could face. So she decided to keep it quiet… for now.

They decided to wrap it up for the day by the time night closed in on them. They picked a Chinese up on the way home as it was Kate's favorite.

Once they got home, they cuddled up together in front of the television. Martha was in the kitchen on the phone to one of her "friends" with a glass of wine. She offered one to Kate but she tried to shrug it off by saying she wasn't feeling too good, even though Martha insisted. Finally with Castle's intervention she backed off, with luckily, no questions asked.

"It's all going to be okay, isn't it?" Kate asked looking at Castle, he could see the worry in her face even though she tried to hide it. He kissed her forehead as she looked up at him.

"Of course, why? What's wrong? I knew there was something up." This was Kate's perfect opportunity to tell the truth of why she was feeling the way she was. All those feelings that she had all those years ago were in a box, buried way deep in the back of her mind, until suddenly she touched her stomach and all them feelings came flooding back. She was either going to have to tell Castle or it would eat her alive for sure. Fearless Kate Beckett's biggest fear was would Castle think of her? Would he hate her? She was genuinely scared.

She decided now wasn't the right time. "Nothing, I'll tell you later, okay?" She said, and she meant it, she really was going to tell him later, but because the house was so open planned, Martha was basically in the same room as them. Telling Castle would be hard enough, there is no way she could risk Martha over hearing too.

"No, now I'm worried. I thought we didn't have secrets?" Castle said, poking around to find out what the detectives secret was. He was searching her face for some sort of clue. Kate had such a fabulous poker face but as soon as they made eye contact he saw the excruciating pain in her eyes, the she couldn't hide. "It's okay; just tell me when you're ready." He said pulling her close, he didn't want to show how scared he was; he didn't want to pressure her into telling him. That's one of the many reasons Kate Beckett was truly madly deeply in love with Richard Castle.


	3. Chapter 3: Revelations

**AN: Sorry, it took so long for me to upload this but thank you so much for all the follows and stuff. It really means a lot.**

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The next day, Kate was determined she was going to tell Castle, she just couldn't find the words. She woke up before Castle had, so she had time to think it over before he woke up but the minute he did she was going to tell him. She was trembling with nerves. Castle began to wake up, she watched him stretch and open his eyes, and she knew it was now or never.

"Good morning, beautiful, how long have you been up?" Castle said, it always made her smile when he called her 'beautiful' her heart skipped a beat. She was so in love, it almost hurt.

"Not long, Richard, I need to tell you something." Kate said, this was it, she was going to do it. Castle knew this was going to be the secret. He was more nervous than she was but he knew he would love her no matter what. Deep down she knew that too but everything was clouding her judgement, she didn't want to think about it or anything, she just wanted it out there as quickly as possible.

"Sure, whatever it is, I'll love you, always." Kate smiled, she didn't need to hear that because she already knew, but it was she desperately wanted to hear it. She leaned in and kissed him, she never wanted to let go.

"Right, okay, when I was younger, I was twenty-one, I was still a kid, well I know I wasn't a kid but compared to now I was a kid, I was selfish, I didn't care about anyone apart from my mother and her murder case, I would have done anything to become a cop and solve that murder, anything, you get that right, you get that?" She asked, Castle was aware she was rambling on and getting in a state.

"Will you calm down? Please? I get that, I totally understand." Castle said, "Just calm down, and tell me slowly." He grabbed her hand, she took a deep breath and calmed down.

"Okay, my father doesn't even know this, no one does, my mom does, I like to think she does anyway, I speak to her a lot about it, well I speak to thin air but I like to think she is listening." Kate said.

"She's always listening." Kate forced a smile. Castle was beginning to realise how serious this was, this wasn't some kind of girly secret, this seems like a big secret, a 'you can never tell anyone not even your best friend' kind of secret.

"I had a baby." Kate said, she blurted it out, she proceeded to put her hand over her mouth as if it had just fallen out and she was trying to stop anything else falling out, it was like she never said it, like she just opened her mouth and it came flying out from nowhere.

"You what?" Castle said. Kate knew for sure that he had heard, she didn't want to repeat it, so she looked away in shame. She was so ashamed. She couldn't look at him; he put his hand under her chin and moved her head slowly so it was facing his.

"Tell me what happened," Castle said, with a sympathetic tone in his voice.

"Um, I didn't want anything to come in the way of me becoming a police officer, I was selfish, all I thought about was me, I was so fixated on the murder, I refused to let myself feel anything towards this child, I didn't want anything to do with it but I could not, I repeat could not, get an abortion. I didn't want it but I didn't want to kill it." Kate said. Castle was listening to every single word she said, it was breaking his heart she was in this much pain and had never told anyone before. He couldn't believe it. He couldn't imagine how he would feel if he had gave Alexis up. He just couldn't imagine.

"So, did you put it up for adoption? What about the father?" Castle said, he was still holding her hand, he watched as tear drops slowly made their way down Kate's face, as soon as he wiped one away another one came.

"I did, I went through this party faze, I drank every night for months, and I mean every night, I made sure I was numb, I didn't want to feel anything, nothing at all. I can't remember who the father was, I was so drunk, I don't even know how it happened, where it happened, all I knew was one minute, I was standing over a stick then the next I was carrying a baby. I didn't even tell my father, I went on a 'trip' and as far as he will ever know it was just a trip." Kate said, giving Castle a stern look, he knew better than to ever speak about this. She was being so truthful. Castle was just watching, they were going to be late for work but neither of them cared. They were in this bubble that Castle knew if it were to burst he would probably never get Kate to mention this again, ever.

"I am so sorry." Castle said, Kate looked extremely puzzled by what Castle was saying. Tears still dropping, she wiped them away with her hand.

"Why are you sorry?" Kate asked.

"Because you had to go through this by yourself, I wasn't there for you, I so wish I had been there for you, I will be here for you every day, until we die, every single day. I promise." Castle said. He was too sweet for his own good.

"I love you, so much." Kate replied, Castle didn't know what to feel. He was desperate to make her pain go away. He wanted to find her child so bad, but he knew she wouldn't approve unless he found something and made he see sense like he did a few years ago with her mother's murder. She didn't want to dig it all back up and now she knows who did it. He decided to ask her.

"I know, I love you so much more, you have no idea. Do you want to find…?" Castle asked because she hadn't told him if it was her daughter or son.

"My daughter and I don't want to; I buried this a long time ago, Castle. I just told you because I felt like it was something you needed to know but you cannot tell anyone, you cannot dig in at this, you cannot and I repeat cannot mention it again, okay?" Castle replied honestly.

"You know I can't do that, Kate, we need to talk about this every so often, look at the state you're in, this was eating you alive and you know it, I bet you feel like the world has been lifted of your shoulders, don't you? I will never ever tell anyone but we must talk about it." Castle said. He was standing his ground.

"Okay, but once in a blue moon, not all the time. Only when I say, okay?" Kate replied, she didn't want to speak of this ever but she knew she had to, just to keep Castle of her back. And yes, he was right, it did feel like a weight had been lifted of her shoulders. He officially knew everything about her.

They got up for work, there was a weird atmosphere, Kate could tell it was all castle was thinking about, she knew deep down he was never going to let this lie, and secretly she didn't want him to, that was the main reason she told him, because she knew he would dig and dig until he found her.


End file.
